its time again. to do my recollections, emo-ing, reminiscing and sorting out my thoughts. putting everything down in writing helps alot with the healing process. its not going to be easy. but as usual, everytime after production, comes exams. so that helps with filling my time. i don't know which will be worse. withdrawal from dance night 06, or withdrawal from this. but i have a feeling this will be worse.

though dance night took up way more time than this ever did. and i was in charge of 2 dances. performed in 5. was in the exco. this was taking on a whole new persona. ellen toh. i even gave her a chinese name in my head :p which i have no idea where it came from. but it stuck. haha. and yesterday. i was ellen toh. for the first time through the whole play. wan jun wasn' there. it was all ET. i barely even remember most of it. it was just this amazing blur. the laughter, the gasps, the applause. it felt so surreal. like i was in a fishbowl, and here were the ppl who had this glimpse into my life.

i can't even start to explain how far i went in. how broken i feel now. i smile, i laugh, i talk. but there's this great detachment i feel from everything. i'm here, in london. in my room. but it feels like i should be back in spore in a law firm. which is mighty fucked up. cos it makes me want to go home more than ever. which i suppose would help me recover from my withdrawal symptoms. having screw and everyone around. but escaping isn't the solution. i can't keep running back home everytime i need help. and 6 weeks. i want to enjoy the cold for as long as i can. i'm really thinking of heading off to usa. cos mel's there. and mel always could find the broken pieces of wan jun and in her own gentle way, put me back together. over the years, she has always been the one picking me up. i need her.

omg -.- we're starting it all over again. this insane facebook wall-writing and photo commenting. the other night, monday night i think. tiankai, cuiyin & i were all on facebook writing on each other's walls nonstop. i think the three-way fb wall convo resulted in like what 150 wall posts back and forth? wth. and now we're doing it again -.- fb whores we all are.

this is going to be one hell of a long post. plus emo one. so look away if you can't bear it. anyway its for me. so whatever. the only time when i can feel normal now, is with my cast. cos they've been all the ppl i've been spending time with the past few weeks. well other than ashraf & marcus. who have been super nice to me (: i heart. but yes. our wall posts, conversations and everything are peppered with lines from the play. we talk in circles that only the few of us understand, and it brings this whole different level of comfort to all of us. its an amazing thing. i love it. its such a daily-life drama that the lines can fit anywhere into our daily lives. or maybe cos i still can't let go of ellen toh that's why the words are coming so easily to me.

there were many things about ellen toh that i found similar to me. somethings i understood, some i didn't. but after being her for so long, i can no longer tell where she starts and where she ends. i know it sounds extremely exaggerated and drama. but its the truth. i think only one person can understand how fucked up i feel right now. shrugs. i don't know quite how to 'flush' her out and i'm not sure if i really want to let her go. there are so many things about ellen i could easily live with. hah. maybe its cos i'm not ready to say goodbe to the play, to the people yet. it felt way too short. and it came so fast and strong, and left so quickly and adruptly too. it feels like something was ripped out from inside of me, and now all that's left is this gaping raw hole. its part play and part other fucked up shit larh.. sighs. but there are somethings about ellen i definitely can live without. and things i should definitely let go of. the confusion, the instability, the homosexuality, the smoking and all that bloody sexual tension. haha.

walking out tonight to buy fish and chips felt really good. the cold wet air was lovely for clearing my mind. slept like 14 hours today. missed class, will probably miss class tmr too. see how. i'm so drained and tired. its not even funny.

i've never been particularly good at voicing my thoughts in words. so i'll just deal with everything in one off words. haha. about everything about the play. and those who were in it, should get it, if you don't, you don't. i do and that's all that matters.

m&a. et. jc. lesley. mary. sam. wan jun. tiankai. jenn. kat. cuiyin. chris. mervyn. peter. liguang. straight. gay. lesbian. onion. sex. pre-sex. post-sex. five. many seconds. nose jabbing. shirt unbuttoning. chairs. set-change. hugo boss. pain. anger. confusion. afraid. love. in love. friendship. fucked up. emo. tension. insanity. meandering. smoking. seduction. smell of smoke on clothes. scents. perfume. washing detergent. pink shirts. shinky shonky. black shirts. white shirts. blowjobs (the drink. i don't want mel reading this and fainting). b52s. flaming sambucca. room 825. tv room. toes. cold. water. d202. java chip frapps. beds. black bras. flirting. menthols. mentos. singing. dancing. angst. tears. chinatown. tattoos. silver shirt. dreams. talks. kimchi. kimchi jigae. late night sleepovers. flowers. happiness. home. comfort. feelings. conway hall. sofa. sofa beds. forceful. lusty. cheeky. fairytale. i-love-you. angie. secrets. shadows. shades of grey. vulnerable. hands. fear. honey. strepsils. lakerol. hair. eyeliner. emptiness. broken. alcohol. sexuality. caresses. chocolates. badges. cards. gerbera. support. phone calls. long distance phone calls. nervous breakdown. anxiety attacks. fuck care. affection. holding. endearment. mindfucked. lighters. props. lamps. selfridges. luggage. memories. book. emails. facebook. office. chairs. static. hellos. goodbyes. wrights bar. subway. holborn. sushi. chicken. twenty pounds. london. singapore. lagos. paris. wine. temptation. age. distances. proximity. touch. walking away.

its been a wonderful 6 weeks. up and downs. i hit my highest and my lowest since i came to london in those 6 weeks. the emo-ing is going to last a few more weeks. but for now. it has to stop. cos my head's hurting, heart's aching and i have an email to finish typing.

thank you to all of you who came and supported. it meant the world to me.